The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

I got this from a good friend in an email today. It is fantastic, funny, you got to love it.

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one badapple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden....
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except forMethuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.


God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Gmail Finally out of Beta

Gmail Finally leaves beta

Florida Court Sets Atheist Holyday

I got sent this in an email so I thought I would share it with you.

In Florida an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honour, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

Well that's a nice story. But according to this article, it is a FALSE rumour. Oh well it was nice while it lasted. But wouldn't it be great if our court systems and our justice system was indeed just and Godly. But I suppose that this is wishful thinking.

Perhaps not wishful thinking but an opportunity to pray. Pray for our country and pray for our government. Pray for our leaders. Pray for the crime rate and the innocent victims.

Kit and Caboodle: Is Home School Better Than Public School?

Kit and Caboodle: Is Home School Better Than Public School?

The Eye of God

Bette Midler sings a song, entitled, “From a Distance”, in which are the lyrics, God is watching you, God is watching you, from a distance. This song takes on an eerie truth when considered in light of the recent pictures taken from our galaxy. Take a look at the Helix nebular.

A new spectacular image has been taken of the Helix nebula – many consider, my self included, the Helix nebula to be one of the most awesome objects in our universe.

Picture from skynews

The photo was taken at the European La Silla Observatory in Chile using a special camera attached to a telescope. The Helix is a sun-like star and is in its final explosion stage before it retires into a white dwarf.

For more, go to my other blog post, The Eye of God, and listen to the Bette Midler's Song "From a Distance" while enjoying the picture. Yes I know that the Bette Midler song is not spiritual per say, but the song does fit well with the picture don't you think.

Is Ray McCauley a Liar?

A few weeks ago Ray McCauley and Rehma church were criticised by many for politicising the church of God when they invited Jacob Zuma to address the congregation. Many people walked out, believing that the church is a place of worship for God, and not a place of political fronting.

Many blogs post, including my own, were written criticising the actions of McCauley and Rehma. When interviewed by 702, McCauley said that all political parties were welcome in his church and he would consider other political parties to give an address to the congregation and he would afford them the same opportunity as he did Zuma and the ANC.

Other political parties, including Holomisa’s UDM, and the ACDP called on Rhema’s senior pastor Ray McCauley to accord them the same platform.

The Rhema Bible Church has turned down United Democratic Movement leader Bantu Holomisa’s and other political parties request to speak from its pulpit.

“Frankly, it begs a question about the integrity of some church leaders who decide for their congregations which political parties they should support or be exposed to,” Holomisa said in his letter.

Ray McCauley where you lying? Are you selective in you political parties, and who you allow to speak from a political point of view? Why not allow other political parties the same time you afforded Zuma.

McCauley said that he and Rehma do not endorse any political party. Why them be selective as to who you allow to preach from your pulpit? Afford the other parties the same time.

"If you want to be viewed as independent and unbiased it is a simple choice: either you allow equitable election campaigning from your podium or you don't allow any campaigning."

Many people are noticeably upset at the double standard that McCauley and Rhema have taken.

"McCauley is a power-hungry, egocentric and arrogant individual. Come on now – don’t for a minute think Zuma was invited out of the goodness of McCauley’s heart – there is a hidden agenda. Anyone, apart from those innocent congregants that believe all they see and hear on Sunday, that has had any dealings with “HyperRhema” will know this to be true….just a pity that the truth about this organization never comes out – (Money buys silence). Bantu do you really want to share the platform with the like of McCauley, he couldn't spell integrity with the help of his entire board." - David.

I would encourage true Christians around the country to pray for our leaders. The Bible encourages us to "pray with out ceasing". We also need to pray for those whom we believe have done contrary to biblical teaching.

As for the state of our churches we surely need to echo 1Th 5:25 Brethren, pray for us.

How the Dinosaurs were wiped out.

Many have wondered how the dinosaurs were killed and became extinct. There are many different theories. But is there any physical evidence of their demise.

Well let’s consider the physical evidence.

The moon is moving away from the earth at 3.8cm every year. Currently the moon sits at 384,000 km away.

Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 452 cm or 4.5 meters from the earth’s surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway. The rest were squashed when the tall one fell on them.

Bless the little children.

While reading the dBASE news group, I came across some really funny things and jokes about kids. This will surely light up your day.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies....
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Zuma - You're welcome in our Church, but not in our Pulpit

On Sunday, Jacob Zuma addressed the Rehma congregation from the Puplit of the Rehma Church. Afterword Ray McCauley prayed for him.

What I find most disturbing, is not the fact that Zuma attended church, for I myself pray for him that he might be saved and find a bible believing church to attend, but that McCauley gave him opportunity to address the congregation from the pulpit.

Rhema, which claims to be a Bible church, seems, in this case, not to follow the Bible. Where it clearly teaches that there is separation of state. If you want to use your church as apolitical platform, don't call yourself a Bible church.

If Zuma came to our church, I would treat him just the same as I would treat anybody. They are a sinner in need of salvation, and if they are saved through faith by Jesus Christ, then they are still sinners, saved by grace. This goes for the Pope, Zuma, Obama, or the man in the street. God is no respector of persons. All have sinned and come short of the glory of God. Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.

The second thing is, if I would give Zuma opportunity to speak from our pulpit, as though he is an authority in our church, I would make sure of a few things.
Is he Saved?
Is he Leading a Christian Life?
What Doctrine does he hold too?
Are they the same as we hold in our church?
Does he believe the Bible?
What is his Biblical Interpretation like?
Has he proven himself a spritual leader, a lover of God and Jesus, and the Gospel?
Does he have humility?

The list can goes on.

Jacob Zuma has demonstrated that he is none of these, and it would seem that he is just trying to garner political support. I believe that if Christ was present, he would have delt with Ray McCauley as he delt with the Pharisees and Sadducees in His time.

When McCauley, prayed for Zuma, did he actually pray for his salvation? I don;t see that mentioned anywhere. Isn't our mission as a church to present the Gospel to all, not a platform for political showmanship. Yes, we must pray for our Government and its leaders, but surely McCauley could have mentioned that himself. He shouldn't need Zuma to do it.

This act just confirms my belief that Ray McCauley is not Biblical in his belief. Ray MCCauley's Love for money and power at the expense of biblical doctrine is testimony to his so called Christianity. But then again, who am I to Judge, God alone knows.

I pray for Zuma, that he gets saved. I pray for Ray McCauley, that he too repents and if he is not saved, that he asks Jesus to save him. I pray that his eyes might be open and that he sees the truth in the Bible.

Perhaps McCauley should read 1Timothy, and Titus 1.

Ray McCauley, since you invite anybody to your pulpit, irrespective of their faith or belief, I would like the opportunity to address your church as well.

2Ti 4:1-2
(1) I charge thee therefore before God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, who shall judge the quick and the dead at his appearing and his kingdom;
(2) Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine.

Churches hold Darwin conference - What nonsense

A group of churches in Oxford is hosting a conference to mark the 200th anniversary of the birth of scientist Charles Darwin. I could not believe this when I read it. Church and evolution, God and Darwin. It is blasphamis

The event seeks commemorate the 150th anniversary of the publication of Darwins book "the Origin of Species", on the theory of evolution. But hey, I thought the origin of Species is explained in the bible, in Genesis. "In the beginning God Created ..."

Organiser reverend Tim Stead said it wanted to explore the relationship between science and religion. I am not disputing any relationship between science and religion. But when that science is purely circumstantial, at best, theoretical and seeks to do away with God. How can the two meet.

He said evolution was one of the "most influential scientific ideas ever". Well he is totally wrong there. Evolution might be influential, but then so was Hitler and Nazism, but it is not scientific at all.

Reverend Tim Stead said: "It impacts on our entire understanding of the world. I can't believe this trash. Our understanding of the world needs to have the creator of that world as its basis, that being God.

The Reverend, I cringe when I say that, said: "One of our aims in holding this conference is to go some way towards redressing the impression that some of the general public have that Christians are anti-science and anti-Darwin." Hey I am not anti-science. I am anti evolution, anti Darwin. Christianity and evolution cannot co-exist. The one says says God created us all, the entire universe, the other goes totally against God, leaves him out, and says we evolved out of a pool of muck.

"This is a chance to set the record straight and to explore how it is possible for faith to sit alongside Darwins views," he said. What a load of tripe. How can one have faith in God, and sit alongside Darwin. Who's theories totally disregard the Bible and God.

Can a Christian really believe in evolution and call himself a Christian? Its like black and white. You telling me you believe the Bible, and Believe God wrote the Bible, but only up to a point because some nut head thinks he is better than God, knows more than God, and knows how the world began.

I think it is a load of cods wallop.

In God We Trust

If you can't trust God, then who else can you trust. You can't trust your boss. You can't trust your friends, you cant trust your family. You can't even trust your wife or husband. Why? Because at some point they will all let you down. But God has promissed never to leave you nor forsake you.

In this time of economic crisis, we can't even trust our money, bank or possessions. Because at the end of the day, they can all dissapear into thin air. Leaving you high and dry.

I lost my job a few months ago. The debt is just increasing as we are battling to pay the outstanding bills and make ends meat. The bank is way overdrawn to the tune of R50000. Credit cards are bouncing. Everybody wants their money, and I cannot give it to them. When I had money, and did not need a credit card. Every bank was willing to bend over backwards to give me one. Now when I do not have money, no one wants to help. They are now sharks.

If that is not enough, the battery in out citi Golf gave up the ghost. Dead as a brick. To replace the battery, R800. Along with that, no food.

Well what do we do. I am working myself to the bone, trying to get work developing websites. But not easy.

So the only thing to do is trust in the Lord. I have prayed and prayed for Gods help and guidence. Expecting some mirracle to occure. But instead He answers our prayers by blessing others as well.

We went ahead and bought the battery on the credit card. Phew it went through. Then as I got home a lady from our church gave us money towards the battery. Then while visiting some good friends of ours, the wife took my wife out to the shop to buy some groceries for us.

Without asking them or mentioning this to them, our needs are being met. Perhaps not in a way that I might have imagined, but enough to be eternally greatful and thanful, and to realise that God is great, and that He will meat our needs.

So I could not trust my boss, nor my friends, nor my wife. God, and God alone was able to help and meet my needs. My prayer is that you reading this blog, might be blessed as well.

If you have experienced something similar, let us know.

You know you are a homeschooler when …

If your child get's drugs at school, it's probably Panado.

At the end of a long day you can tell how the science experiment went just by looking at the house

You have meal worms growing in a container....on purpose

If you get caught talking to yourself, you can claim you're having a PTA meeting.

Talking out loud to yourself is a parent/teacher conference.

You take off for a teacher in-service day because the principal needs clean underwear.

You can't make it through a movie without pointing out the historical inaccuracies.

The teacher gets to kiss the principal in the faculty lounge and no one gossips.

If your child claims that the dog ate his homework, you can ask the dog.

School clothes have more holes in the knees than play clothes.

The principal can give the teacher a pat on the behind and it's not harassment.

Your neighbours think you are insane.

Baking cookies for friends and family counts as math, science, geography, history, and social studies.

You’ve done a week’s worth of school in one day.

The only dress code is, “No Nudity”

School starts at 8:30, 9:05, 7:16, 8:43, … or whenever you get up.

You got out of bed after 10 and still been done with your schoolwork before the public school kids get home

You realize it's noon, and you're still in your pyjamas

You still hang out with your 12 year old brother, even though you're 19

Watching the history channel counted as history class

You come first in your class every year.

You learned all your vocabulary from reading King James Version of the Bible

You greet your friends by saying, “How art thou this morning …”

You finish your school, and then think to yourself "Yikes! today is Saturday!"

You still go to school even when you're sick.

If you have any more, please add some in the comments. Would love to hear them.

Related: Check out Is home school better than public school

Technorati Tags: Home School

First Day at School Interview

First Day at school interview by zoopy.com.

The first day at school for children of the Western Cape and Zoopy was there to cover the big day. They spoke to the pupils and their parents to find out what their first day of school meant to them.

The video interviews grade 1 pupils on their first morning at school before the bell rings. Some of these toddlers talk of their future careers and their parents talk about their school lunchbox lunch for their first day

Thanks to Zoopy.com

Wrong report cards given to matric students.

So your child brings home their report card at the end of last year. To your shock and horror you find out that they have failed and need to repeat the year. You blow your top. Your child insists that there must be some mistake, because they studied for the finals. But you point to the hard copy of the proof in front of you. They are punished, grounded, no Christmas gifts etc.

This must of been the general feeling amongst many South Africans last year. But the surprises are not finished. After the first day at school your child gets another surprise. The report card that they gave them was the wrong one. In fact your child actually passed.

This actually happened, and with some devastating consequences. We hear from friends who’s children were involved in this debacle. They told us that they know of students who tried to end their lives but taking an overdose of pills. Landing them in hospital for the Christmas season, and having them go to counselling.

All because of incompetent schools and teachers who could not be bothered to check whether they are giving out the correct results. How do you measure such a mistake. What about the emotional stress suffered. Let alone the medical bills of those poor children who saw a need to end their lives. Were some of them actually successful.

I am so glad that we home school. Where I am in control of the education of my child. I get to choose the curriculum for them. Have hands on as to what they are learning. Have experience in their education.

What are your thoughts? What would you have done in this situation? Would you have believed your child? Do you home school? What do you think of home school?

Let us know by dropping us some comments.

Technorati Tags: School,Education,Home School

How was your first day at school?

How was your first day at school? I mean you not you children. It seems that there are more emotional parents on the first day of school than there are children. It also seems that parent are more upset than their kids about going to school.

After the nice long break its back to the mad house. In our case that is more literal than one would think. As we home school. Our first day started on Monday. By that evening I had a real headache. We had a new curriculum to install onto the PC. We had to figure out how it works. It was rough.

But it has slowly turned to dome form of craziness. Yes, that is somewhat better than madness. A touch, not much though.

Home schooling is tough, despite what some might think. There is a lot of preparation, and work that goes in to it. Many choices to make. Huge responsibility.

We chose the “Switched-on Schoolhouse” Computer based curriculum this year. In the six years that we have done home schooling we have gone through three curricula. Wow I got that right See what home schooling can do for you.

Back to the curriculum. We have changed, not because the curriculum was bad, but because it did not suite us and our children. The toughest choice in a home school is what curriculum to use. Most of all I believe that it has to be one that suites your child’s needs, suites their character, and aids the parent in teaching. I will write more about curriculum choices later.

But what about you? What do you think of school in our country? With the debacle of the matric results. I mean, I know of a school where only 3 pupils passed in the entire matric class. Three, that's a disgrace.

And what about those pass results can we take them to heart. I believe a pass mark is 35% in most subjects. Wow. Would you like a doctor to work on you who knows only 35% of what he supposed to know. It does not give you any confidence in the future of our country.

We truly will become a third world country, with third world knowledge.

Our home school curriculum has set the pass rate at 70%. That means if our child gets 69% he fails. There is something about setting high standards and helping you children reach them.

Do you home school? If not would you ever consider it, and why? I would lover to know. Please drop us a comment I am sure the other readers would like to hear your side of the story.

If you have particular sad or funny or memorable story of your first day at school, share that as well.

Technorati Tags: Education,school,home school