Friday, July 17, 2009

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

I got this from a good friend in an email today. It is fantastic, funny, you got to love it.

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one badapple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden....
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except forMethuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Florida Court Sets Atheist Holyday

I got sent this in an email so I thought I would share it with you.

In Florida an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honour, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

Well that's a nice story. But according to this article, it is a FALSE rumour. Oh well it was nice while it lasted. But wouldn't it be great if our court systems and our justice system was indeed just and Godly. But I suppose that this is wishful thinking.

Perhaps not wishful thinking but an opportunity to pray. Pray for our country and pray for our government. Pray for our leaders. Pray for the crime rate and the innocent victims.

Monday, April 6, 2009

The Eye of God

Bette Midler sings a song, entitled, “From a Distance”, in which are the lyrics, God is watching you, God is watching you, from a distance. This song takes on an eerie truth when considered in light of the recent pictures taken from our galaxy. Take a look at the Helix nebular.

A new spectacular image has been taken of the Helix nebula – many consider, my self included, the Helix nebula to be one of the most awesome objects in our universe.

Picture from skynews

The photo was taken at the European La Silla Observatory in Chile using a special camera attached to a telescope. The Helix is a sun-like star and is in its final explosion stage before it retires into a white dwarf.

For more, go to my other blog post, The Eye of God, and listen to the Bette Midler's Song "From a Distance" while enjoying the picture. Yes I know that the Bette Midler song is not spiritual per say, but the song does fit well with the picture don't you think.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Is Ray McCauley a Liar?

A few weeks ago Ray McCauley and Rehma church were criticised by many for politicising the church of God when they invited Jacob Zuma to address the congregation. Many people walked out, believing that the church is a place of worship for God, and not a place of political fronting.

Many blogs post, including my own, were written criticising the actions of McCauley and Rehma. When interviewed by 702, McCauley said that all political parties were welcome in his church and he would consider other political parties to give an address to the congregation and he would afford them the same opportunity as he did Zuma and the ANC.

Other political parties, including Holomisa’s UDM, and the ACDP called on Rhema’s senior pastor Ray McCauley to accord them the same platform.

The Rhema Bible Church has turned down United Democratic Movement leader Bantu Holomisa’s and other political parties request to speak from its pulpit.

“Frankly, it begs a question about the integrity of some church leaders who decide for their congregations which political parties they should support or be exposed to,” Holomisa said in his letter.

Ray McCauley where you lying? Are you selective in you political parties, and who you allow to speak from a political point of view? Why not allow other political parties the same time you afforded Zuma.

McCauley said that he and Rehma do not endorse any political party. Why them be selective as to who you allow to preach from your pulpit? Afford the other parties the same time.

"If you want to be viewed as independent and unbiased it is a simple choice: either you allow equitable election campaigning from your podium or you don't allow any campaigning."

Many people are noticeably upset at the double standard that McCauley and Rhema have taken.

"McCauley is a power-hungry, egocentric and arrogant individual. Come on now – don’t for a minute think Zuma was invited out of the goodness of McCauley’s heart – there is a hidden agenda. Anyone, apart from those innocent congregants that believe all they see and hear on Sunday, that has had any dealings with “HyperRhema” will know this to be true….just a pity that the truth about this organization never comes out – (Money buys silence). Bantu do you really want to share the platform with the like of McCauley, he couldn't spell integrity with the help of his entire board." - David.

I would encourage true Christians around the country to pray for our leaders. The Bible encourages us to "pray with out ceasing". We also need to pray for those whom we believe have done contrary to biblical teaching.

As for the state of our churches we surely need to echo 1Th 5:25 Brethren, pray for us.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

How the Dinosaurs were wiped out.

Many have wondered how the dinosaurs were killed and became extinct. There are many different theories. But is there any physical evidence of their demise.

Well let’s consider the physical evidence.

The moon is moving away from the earth at 3.8cm every year. Currently the moon sits at 384,000 km away.

Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 452 cm or 4.5 meters from the earth’s surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway. The rest were squashed when the tall one fell on them.